


The Light Of The Universe

by StellarLibraryLady



Series: Star Trek Incandescent Hearts [27]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Abandonment, Alien Planet, Angst and Guilt, Angst with a Happy Ending, Apologies, Bickering, Bonding, Cranky McCoy, Developing Relationship, First Kiss (Implied), First Time (Implied), Guilt, Guilt-Ridden Spock, Humor, Injured McCoy, Injury, Loneliness, M/M, Mission Gone Wrong, Ostracization, Regret, Shunning, Skeptical Kirk, Smug Spock, Trusting Kirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-12
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-16 13:28:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12343614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StellarLibraryLady/pseuds/StellarLibraryLady
Summary: Spock is forced to leave an injured McCoy behind on a hostile planet.  The officers and crew of the Enterprise are skeptical and critical of Spock's story and behavior.  How could Spock leave McCoy?  Is it possible that McCoy lost one fight too many to the cold Vulcan?Prequel to "Ample Proof"





	1. They're At It Again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Esperata](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esperata/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Left Behind](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12239565) by [Esperata](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esperata/pseuds/Esperata). 



> I owe a great deal to Esperata for writing "Left Behind" which inspired me so much. As I read that fic, I itched to write my own version, so Esperata suggested that I do that. This fic is also gifted to Esperata because it was originally Esperata's child and it has made a difference to so many, including me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite their bickering, Kirk believes that McCoy and Spock defend each other and would make a good team.

“And what in blue blazin’ hell makes you think you’re right, Vulcan?!” McCoy thundered to the amusement and discomfort of anybody within hearing range.

“I not only think that I am right, Doctor, logic dictates that I am right,” Spock said arrogantly as he sat with his arms crossed defiantly and a smug look on his face.

Dr. Leonard H. McCoy, CMO of the Starship Enterprise and First Officer Spock were at it again. Meanwhile, their best friend and commanding officer Captain James T. Kirk was sitting beside them in the mess hall and playing referee to the heated McCoy and McCoy‘s aggravating verbal sparring partner Spock. Kirk was busily consuming one of his large daily meals while the bickering of his friends rolled over his head. Only halfway listening, he waited patiently for the ‘pearls of wisdom’ that rolled unconsciously from his friends while they ‘discussed’ a variety of topics. Kirk never knew where conversations with these two might lead. They might emerge from the mess hall as bosom buddies or sworn enemies, all of which lasted until the next meal or the next crisis when they rushed to protect each other. If nothing else, Kirk was highly entertained by their antics and distracted from the demands of duty. But they were his friends, too, and Kirk felt contented around them, despite their bickering.

“Logic, pogic!” McCoy snapped back at Spock’s placid face. “You know what you can do with your self-satisfying logic, don’t you?! You can screw it in firmly to where the sun doesn’t shine up your rear end, and you can use it for a taillight! It‘ll be your greatest contribution for mankind to have a bright light shining out your ass end!”

A few soft “Ohs!” from women crew members and other muttered words of disapproval in masculine timbres were heard around the cafeteria of the Enterprise. A few men even threw McCoy disgusted looks. This isn‘t the men‘s locker room, their faces seemed to say. Women are present, you damn fool! Let’s keep the pretense of civilization here in space, if nothing else.

Jim Kirk reared back from his dinner plate to survey his ranting friend with a frown. It took a lot to distract Jim Kirk from food of any kind, so McCoy had just committed a serious breach of conduct to disturb his captain, not to say of manners from a gentleman.

But McCoy was on a roll. The only one he was conscious of was his smug opponent across the table from him. Spock looked complacent, and it was difficult to tell if he was stunned by McCoy’s words or rendered speechless by them, or if McCoy was simply playing into his hands. Probably the latter.

“Yeah, that’s the answer, alright,“ McCoy continued with a gleam in his eyes. “You could be our beacon out here in space with a light bulb shining out of your ass. Just think of it, Spock! You could be the light of the universe! Yes, sir, that’s the job for you, alright! Then the rest of us can keep track of you, even if there is a power outage on the Enterprise!” He threw a hand out wildly. McCoy didn’t see that someone at the next table had to duck quickly to the side to avoid being struck by McCoy‘s hand. “You could lead us all to our salvation! It’s a role made to order for you, Spock!” He studied the complacent guy across from him and took a moment really to contemplate him. “You know, it’s not the points on your ears that I mind so much, it’s that damn arrogant point on the top of your head!”

“And you, Doctor, are seriously out of line.”

McCoy didn’t know which of his dinner companions had spoken. It sounded like something that Spock would say, but it should’ve been something coming out of Kirk’s mouth. Except that Jim Kirk never called him ’Doctor’ off-duty. It was always ’Bones.’ But Spock would never have come up with an idiom, or any idiom, at the end of that, or any other, sentence which he uttered. So McCoy decided that it was Kirk who had spoken.

This was something that he had to acknowledge. Officially.

“Sorry, Captain.”

“You should be. There are ladies present here also, Doctor.”

“Ladies,” McCoy said graciously as he took in the room. “Sorry you had to hear that. Gentlemen.” He nodded at the guys. “Sorry, too. I didn‘t mean to offend the ladies with you.” He glared at Spock. “But I’m not apologizing to him!”

“I didn’t ask you to do that, Bones. Those issues should be discussed between you two in private. There is no need to air your dirty laundry in public.”

McCoy saw Spock open his mouth as a puzzled look went over his face. “Sure, Jim,” McCoy quickly said to stop Spock from asking a stupid question that would point out his problems with the English language, especially with its idioms. “Spock and I can debate our differences of opinion in private, if that’s what you would prefer.”

Spock closed his mouth as a look of understanding went over his face. McCoy had effectively saved Spock’s face, although Spock would’ve used plain English instead of the more colorful idiom to express what McCoy had done for him.

“I would prefer that very much, gentlemen. We would all have better digestion. Now I would like to get back to my beefsteak in peace, if you don‘t mind.”

“Certainly, Jim.”

The three went back to eating quietly. 

A few minutes later, Kirk said, “I didn’t order you two to shut up. The idea behind having dining companions is to enjoy each other’s company, not each other’s silence. If I’d wanted solitude, I would’ve stayed in my quarters and stared at the distant wall.“ He looked at each of them. “I want to relax after my shift and enjoy my friends. I thought that you two understood that concept. I wouldn’t mind small talk between you two, you know. Just don‘t make that small talk so volatile.”

“Well, ah,” McCoy answered, quickly scanning his memory for what Kirk wanted. Then McCoy happened to glance at Spock.

Once again the questioning look went over Spock’s face, and once again McCoy rushed to explain.

“Ah, idle chitchat, that‘s what you want, isn’t it, Jim? Things that happened during our day. Lighthearted, amusing antidotes even, right?”

Understanding went over Spock’s face again, but Kirk looked perplexed at his doctor friend. Why was McCoy defining terms?

“That’s right, Bones. Cute little stories you heard today. Odd occurrences that you witnessed. Things that might have amused you. Things that might amuse me now!” he quickly amended. “I don’t want to hear any gallows humor from the bowels of sickbay, though! You medical people can get pretty gruesome!”

Spock started to look perplexed. The ‘gallows humor from the bowels of sickbay’ was what had thrown him. Then his face cleared as he took in the general gist of the sentence. He decided that Kirk was just being picturesque with his speech patterns. It had been a rather colorful sentence, even if Spock had to translate it for himself.

But now Kirk was on a morbid roll. If McCoy could do it, so could he.

“What’s been going on down in sickbay, anyway? I understand that spooks and specters can be seen down there lately. Aren’t you keeping a tight rein on your personnel, Doctor?” 

There had been some hidden barbs in the question that had stung McCoy. Occasionally, the staff did have morbid parties down in the morgue, especially since it was getting so close to Halloween. McCoy tended to look the other way because he knew that his crew had to blow off steam sometimes. (Work that one out, Vulcan. No, my people do not look like freight trains with smoke and steam spewing from their heads.) The medical staff worked with death and near death while trying to stay professional. It was bound to come out someway. With them, it was tasteless, disrespectful parties in the morgue singing about ‘dead man’s chest’ and other such rot. But it kept McCoy’s people sane during their next shift or the next crisis for the crew.

“Well?” Kirk prodded. He sensed that McCoy wouldn’t, or couldn’t, answer about the antics in sickbay. McCoy would defend the people under him. But McCoy’s boss had asked him a direct question. How could McCoy possibly answer?

“I believe that the term is called ‘boys will be boys,’” Spock answered.

“What?” Kirk asked, surprised that Spock had spoken.

“I admit that the expression must be one of those idioms that do not make much sense, Jim. After all, men cannot go back to being boys, again, except in their actions. I assume that is what has happened in this case, Captain.”

“Yes. Yes, of course,” Kirk mumbled. “Hmm.” Had Spock really defended McCoy just now? And if Kirk hadn’t been mistaken, McCoy had rushed to cover for Spock a few moments ago when the Vulcan had not understood idioms that Kirk had used. Very interesting. They could pick on each other, but nobody else could make the other one uncomfortable. Hmm. Quite a team. They can work together. Hmm.

“Captain? You were saying?” Spock inquired.

“Nothing,” Kirk answered as he brought himself out of it. “Gentlemen, I suggest we finish this meal so we can get on to the digesting of it.”

All three seemed in agreement, so they set to concentrating on their food.

 

“It’ll be mainly a ‘meet and greet,’ gentlemen, with the hoped for option of being able to advise their leaders later,” Kirk was explaining. “A diplomatic mission. They have asked for help to get a health and science center built, and you two are the logical choices to send down to help to the planet. You are both experts in your various fields. You should be able to give them plenty of good and practical advice. These are a warlike people and are just starting to learn the advantages of peacetime.” Kirk smiled. “It’ll be a chance to display your diplomacy and the good faith of the Federation. I think this is a job custom fit for both of you gentlemen.”

“Well, if you have that much faith in Spock and me, Jim, how can we possibly fail?” McCoy asked with a lazy smile. He was clearly flattered by Kirk’s blatant words of praise, but occasionally everybody needs to hear their boss go overboard about them.

“Well spoken, Doctor,” Spock agreed, also flattered by his friend and captain.

“I knew that I had picked the right team.” Kirk moved toward the brandy bottle. “Well, shall we drink to success and intergalactic peace?”

“That is always a good combination, Jim,” McCoy agreed as he saluted his captain with his drink. “Mr. Spock, I know that you are no drinker. But just this once, pretend with us, alright?” McCoy challenged.

“I shall be delighted, Doctor. Even though the alcohol content has no effect on me, brandy has an amazing flavor and I can appreciate it for that fact alone.”

“Gentlemen, to success and intergalactic peace!” Kirk toasted.

“Hear! Hear!” McCoy echoed.

Kirk smiled. He had a good feeling about this mission. He was sending his best men. They would make a good team despite their occasion bickering. He knew that at heart that they were good friends and would protect each other, and they were both professional. 

 

“Captain, was it really a good idea to send those two guys alone down to that planet?”

“Don’t worry about it, Scotty,” Kirk answered with a lazy grin. “They’ve got to learn to get along sometime. Now’s as good a time as any.”

Montgomery Scott looked horrified. “Captain! They’ll kill each other!”

“I don’t think so, Scotty. That’s part of their relationship, sounding like they hate each other.” He gave Scotty a lazy grin. “I have it on good authority that their bark is worse than their bite. They defend each other, when it comes down to it.”

“But, Captain--”

“Look, they’re really the best ones to do down to the surface of that planet. As heads of the science and medical departments, they will show the aliens our desire to serve mankind and to better the lives of their people. In that way, Spock and McCoy can represent us with our upcoming peace project for them.”

“Could we send a guard with them--”

“It’ll be a show of good faith if they go by themselves.”

Scotty continued to look doubtful.

Kirk slapped Scotty’s arm. “Don’t worry so much! It’ll be alright, Mr. Scott. You watch and see if it isn’t.”


	2. I Thought I Knew You So Well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock has to leave the injured McCoy behind, and Kirk is stunned by the news.

“We’ve got to get back to the Enterprise and let Jim know what we learned.”

“I believe that we have sufficiently led the aliens astray with this circular path back to the shuttle, Doctor.”

“Who would’ve thought that you and I would stumble on these aliens planning an invasion?” McCoy muttered as they hurried through the rocky terrain. “We were supposed to be on a peace mission trying to help them establish a health and science center, then we stumbled on something all together different.”

“Apparently we misjudged their interest in… social advancement for warlike tendencies. Their minds were on… other priorities.”

“Let’s save our breath. This ground is rough.” 

“And the air is… thin. And not conducive to… our needs for oxygen.”

They had not gone very far when McCoy became aware of labored breathing beside him. “What the hell are you panting about?”

“Doctor, we cannot travel fast in this habitat, especially me with my mixed blood. I believe that the atmosphere on this planet is predominantly carbon dioxide and therefore we will have to inhale vast quantities of the air to obtain sufficient oxygen to sustain life functions in ourselves.”

“In other words, we’re smothering on our feet.”

“Something like… that,” Spock agreed grimly.

“What this planet could use is several continent size rain forests sucking in the carbon dioxide and exhaling oxygen,” McCoy muttered. “That would go a long ways to cleaning it up for our purposes.”

“Doctor, that theory is a layman’s solution--”

McCoy‘s eyes flashed. “Damn it, Vulcan! It wouldn’t hurt!”

Spock considered that opinion. “Well, certainly, you… could say that. You could also say that… painting toenails green would not hurt… nor would whistling for dogs in… the dark of the moon--”

“What in the hell are you blathering about?! I thought you were trying to save your breath!”

Spock grabbed McCoy’s forearm to stop his headlong flight. “Doctor.” He nodded ahead of them. “I believe that… we are not alone.”

McCoy followed Spock’s eyes and jerked. Several natives had suddenly appeared. They stood barely three feet tall and had short arms and legs to match. But their eyes looked menacing and determined, as did their primitive weapons.

“They don’t look like our hosts, Spock. These guys are tiny.”

“But just as warlike… I fear.”

“Look at the chests on those guys,” McCoy marveled. “That’s how they’ve evolved to get enough oxygen to breathe. We’d look like that in a few thousand years on this planet.”

“Regrettably, we will not be around that… long to see if we will change. Look at their weapons, Doctor. Quite… primitive, but still lethal. We will be lucky if… we survive for the next few minutes, let alone… a few thousand years.”

“You’re just full of good news, aren’t you?”

“What can I say? I am a… realist.”

“You’re a damn pessimist!”

“Be that as it may, I suggest that… we try to negotiate.”

“They don’t look like they’re in a negotiating mood, but I’ll try.” McCoy raised his hand in greeting and stepped forward. 

“Doctor--”

“Greetings,” McCoy called.

Apparently a raised hand was not a universal sign of peaceful intentions in this part of the universe. The natives immediately tensed and rushed forward in attack. They looked like mix-masters in motion. Running like hell, but not getting very far for their efforts would‘ve looked funny if they hadn‘t looked so angry.

“Run!” McCoy called. He had stepped ahead of Spock to greet the natives, so now he was behind Spock as they started running. Meanwhile, the mix-masters were yelling and were still somewhere behind them. Spock and McCoy did not look back. Some things you just had to take for granted.

“Spock!”

Spock stopped, turned, and saw McCoy sprawled on the ground. Some sort of barbed wire bolas were wrapped around his legs. The short-legged natives were a distance behind them, but coming as fast as they could. 

One of the bastards, though, had paused long enough to throw the spiky cord which had tripped up McCoy and had torn into the meat of his legs.

Spock raised his phaser and set it on stun. He aimed it at the approaching natives and fired as he ran toward McCoy.

Several natives fell senseless to the ground.

Spock threw himself down beside McCoy and reached to help free McCoy.

McCoy’s legs were already a mass of blood. McCoy needed treatment, but the natives would be reviving at any moment.

Spock quickly undid the barbs from McCoy, although he pricked his own fingers. Green and red blood flowed together. It was sort of pretty, in a way.

But Spock paid no attention to his own injuries. He threw aside the bolas, scooped up McCoy into his arms, and started running for the shuttle.

“No! Spock! Put me down!”

Spock paid no heed. McCoy’s added weight and running were really taxing Spock’s lungs in the unhealthy air, but his only thought was to get them to the safety of the shuttle.

“Listen, Spock. I’ll bleed to death on you before you can get me to the shuttle. Set me down so I can tend to my wounds.”

Still, Spock plunged forward, staggering now, seeing black on the edges of his vision, but determined, determined to save his partner. 

“Spock. It’s no good. You gotta stop. Now.”

That seemed to take some of the ginger out of Spock, and his willpower quickly followed it. The ground appeared to rise up slowly to meet Spock. Odd, how the ground did that so easily. Then he realized that he was on his knees and that McCoy had slid from his leaden arms. Spock sucked in deep breaths of the life-robbing air and hoped that the blackness at the edge of his vision didn’t increase. For the moment, McCoy was on his own.

“Spock? Are you gonna pass out on me?” McCoy demanded as he dug in his kit for his regenerator. “Don’t do this to me. I need you awake.”

Spock shook his head to clear it and to concentrate on McCoy and their immediate crisis.

“You have to get to the shuttle, Spock.”

“No,” Spock gasped. “We. You mean ’we.’ We must. Together.”

“No. Listen. Listen to me now. Spock. Concentrate. You have to tell Jim about the alien invasion. Countless lives will be lost, otherwise.”

“The natives who were… chasing us--”

“Have had their fill. They didn’t like being stunned. They’re slinking away. Because of their size, they got a helluva kick from your phaser. They won’t want another dose.” McCoy pinched his lips together. “Listen to me, Spock. You gotta leave without me. It‘s the only way.”

Spock shook his head as he fought for breath. “No. No.”

“I can’t go on. Not for awhile.”

“I cannot… leave you… behind.”

“You can and you must! Look, I’ll be safe enough. I’ve got to heal myself. I need aid.”

Spock reached for McCoy. “Let me carry you. I can get you to safety.”

McCoy pulled back. “No!”

“But--”

“Spock! I’ll bleed out if you try to get me to the shuttle now! If you do, you’ll deliver a dead man back to the Enterprise!”

Spock blinked. He did not want to leave McCoy behind, but Spock knew that everything McCoy said was true.

“Now, Spock! Now!”

Spock bit his lips together. “I will come back for… you,” Spock swore. “As soon as possible.” 

“I’ll hold you to that.” McCoy smiled. “Now get going.”

But Spock continued to stare at him as if memorizing McCoy.

That look stirred something vital in McCoy. He knew that it was more than deserting a comrade that was bothering Spock. The Vulcan rarely let anyone glimpse his soul. But somehow, this was more. This was his heart exposed.

“Spock-- It‘s alright. Really, it is. I know that it isn‘t what you want to do, but it has to be this way. You have to leave me.” He smiled crookedly. “It’ll be your chance to get rid of me for good.”

“I do not hate you, Doctor.”

McCoy frowned. What was going on?! It’d been a joke. Something to ease this new tension between them, whatever was causing it.

“I am not even… indifferent to you, Doctor. We are companions, perhaps… perhaps more. I want you to know that… I am fully aware of… that.”

“Now’s a helluva time to be telling me something like that!”

“Would you rather that… I did hate you?” Spock asked in amazement.

“We cannot have this conversation now! You need to get out of here!” He was surprised to feel tears spring into his eyes. “There’s no time now! Get out!”

Spock saw the tears and realized a truth. “You want me to leave so that… I will be safe, is that not… true?” 

“I want you to leave so countless lives will be saved on that planet that’s going to be invaded!”

But Spock persisted. “To save countless lives, and one… Vulcan’s. Right?”

“Damn it, let me be brave here, will you?! Let me be selfless for once, alright?! Of course, I don’t want you to die! And I don’t want to die, either! I’m sure as hell not sacrificing myself! I’m not a martyr! Got that?! Now, get out of here so I can heal myself! Green-assed bastard!” he muttered as he turned aside.

“Do you hate me… Doctor?” Spock asked softly.

“Right now, all I’m really feeling about you is pissed! Now, get moving!” McCoy lashed out when Spock didn‘t move. “Damn it! You’re harder to get rid of than a bad case of the clap or a pesky kid brother!”

Spock turned aside, hurt. McCoy had seen it in his eyes.

McCoy touched his arm. “Spock. Look. We’ve always had conflict between us. Maybe we always will, but I want you to know something. I am your friend. I consider you to be a good friend. I hope that you feel the same way about me. I won‘t lie. I‘d rather have you here with me or leaving together. I don‘t wanna be alone, but I‘ll be alright. Honest, I will. Just hurry back. Okay? Can you do that for me? Please?” McCoy finished softly.

Spock had determination in his eyes. “I will come back for… you. I swear.”

“It can’t get any better than that, can it?” McCoy smiled softly. “Now, get out of here, will you? So you can hurry back?” he finished wistfully.

Spock squeezed McCoy’s shoulder. “You survive, Leonard. You… survive for me.” He reached up and placed a warm palm over McCoy’s cheek. “You will not be… alone. My heart will be here… with you.”

McCoy‘s eyes popped. What the hell?!

But just that quickly, Spock had struggled to his feet and was heading for the shuttle.

 

How he ever made it to the shuttle, Spock did not know. His lungs burned from lack of oxygen, and he had to concentrate as hard as he could to keep his focus as he stumbled over the rough terrain.

At last he was in the shuttle and found oxygen. He instantly felt better and considered going back after McCoy. But duty called, and he launched the shuttle and headed home.

“Copernicus to Enterprise. Come in Enterprise.”

“Enterprise here, Mister Spock,” Kirk said warmly. “Glad to hear from you. We were starting to get worried.”

“Captain. We must act quickly. The dominant species of this planet have launched an invasion, and we must intervene to prevent a devastating war.” 

“As soon as you’re on board, we’ll set off after them, Mister Spock.”

Spock‘s heart was heavy because McCoy was not with him, but he replied briskly, “Yes, Captain.” 

“When you two get back on board, join me in the meeting room.” 

Spock was not looking forward to that meeting.

 

Jim Kirk frowned at Spock when he saw the empty spot beside the Vulcan. “Where’s Bones?” 

“Doctor McCoy was injured on the planet,” Spock answered stiffly. He did not know how he was going to explain all of this to Kirk.

“He’s in sickbay? Why didn’t you say that?” Jim demanded.

“He is not in sickbay.”

Jim stared at him. “Then where is he, Mister Spock?” he asked, unnaturally calm.

“It was necessary to leave him on the planet.”

“On the…?” Jim stiffened and continued to stare with disbelief. “Do you mean to tell me that you left Bones, injured and alone, on an alien planet?!”

“It was necessary.” He could not show Kirk his emotion, or the both of them would be too devastated to continue with their duties. He had let McCoy see his concern, and McCoy had almost not had the courage to do what he had wanted to do. Spock could not make that mistake with Kirk.

But Kirk was seeing it differently. His fist slamming down on the table startled Spock. 

“How could that possibly be necessary?! Leaving a man?!”

Keep it calm. Keep it crisp. It was almost a mantra to Spock. Help Jim. “Time was of the essence. The attack needed to be halted, and the doctor needed to heal his wounds.”

“And you couldn’t have sent me a message? Stayed behind with him and sent the Enterprise without you?”

“The radio would not work on the surface of the planet,” Spock repeated like a recording of something singsong, something from long ago. “And I had to let you know of the invasion as soon as possible.”

“So you left a man. Alone. Injured. Probably afraid, despite what he told you. Oh, I know Bones. He would’ve sent you on. But you should’ve stayed.“

“And sacrificed thousands of people for one?“ Spock questioned. “Dr. McCoy would not wish for that to happen.”

“I know, I know.“ Kirk rubbed his forehead. “There‘s nothing worse than being alone for a long time, though,“ Kirk muttered. Suddenly, he lashed out, “How could you leave him?!“ Kirk’s anguish and frustration were plainly displayed on his face. “Spock. He’s your friend. How could you possibly do that?”

Spock relaxed for the first time. “Jim, I know that you are worried, but Dr. McCoy will be okay. He assured me that he would survive until we can return for him.” 

“You can’t know that, Mister Spock,” Kirk spat out. “He could be dead already, and it would be all your fault.”

Spock visibly flinched, but said nothing, not even to defend himself.

Kirk studied Spock. “McCoy has always been right about you, hasn‘t he? You really are a coldhearted bastard. Aren‘t you feeling anything, anything at all?” 

Now, that seemed unfair, and for the first time, Spock protested. “But, Jim--”

“I don‘t want to hear it.” Kirk’s face hardened further. “I will thank you not to speak to me about anything other than ship’s business for the foreseeable future. Is that understood?” 

Spock frowned and drew his breath in, but he answered the way he knew he had to answer. “Yes, Captain.”

“That is all, Commander,” Kirk snapped. “You are dismissed.”

“Yes, Captain.” Spock spun and left.

How could he be that way? Kirk demanded to know. How could Spock be so unfeeling?! So cold?! After all, it was Bones who was missing. Bones, the friend to both of them.

But apparently Spock didn’t think as much of McCoy as Kirk had thought. Kirk had been wrong about men before. It really hurt this time, though. He thought he had known Spock and what he was capable of doing. Kirk shivered. Apparently, he hadn’t known Spock, at all.

Two men separated that day who needed the support and understanding of the other. But neither received it. And two men felt hellishly alone, but knew it was nothing compared to the loneliness of the third man stranded on an alien planet all by himself.


	3. What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger, But It's Gonna Hurt Like Hell Until That Happens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock faces the shunning of his crew mates who are upset with him for leaving McCoy.

If Spock had never known the friendship that had been given to him by the officers and crew of the Enterprise, he might not have felt their turning away from him so keenly now. At any other time, he might not have even noticed their iciness. He might have decided that it was their problem and not his. But he was in need of some understanding and friendship himself. He had faced a terrible decision: stay or do his duty and save countless people. He needed support that he was not receiving. 

Nobody on the Enterprise came up to him and said, "Gee, Spock, you were in a helluva situation on that alien planet. Are YOU having any ill effects? Can I do something for YOU? Need a buddy? Need someone to talk to? You must be feeling real bad. You know, you mustn‘t feel that you betrayed a friend. You guys made the right decision under the circumstances. You guys had to make the tough call, and it's okay." 

Of course, that blanket ostracism didn’t start at once. The facts about what happened telegraphed itself around the ship with lightning speed. That’s what happens when creatures in a society have interrelationships with each other. Ants do it. Honeybees do it. And man does it. But the crew didn’t start shunning him immediately. Most of them merely looked through him as was his usual reception. That’s what he did to them generally. Outside of the fact that he was an officer and a Vulcan meant little else to most of the crew. 

But as the ship flew further from away McCoy and as time passed, the crew had time to talk among themselves, get outraged, and start to develop hard feelings toward Spock. If he did it one of them, he would be more apt to do it to others. So not only did they think of him as a deserter, he became someone whom they could not trust.

That was all in Spock’s future, though. What bothered Spock now was that Jim Kirk had hard feelings toward him and had not let Spock explain. Spock knew that Kirk had been too emotionally involved to deal responsibly when he had first learned of McCoy‘s fate. But Kirk had been unfair. He should have given Spock a chance to tell the full story. But Kirk had suddenly been worried sick about his absent friend, so much so that he could think of nothing else. Then he couldn’t do anything about McCoy’s situation until the humanitarian crisis that they were trying to prevent was appeased. 

At least when Kirk read Spock’s report, he would learn more pertinent facts about what had happened on the planet, that it had been McCoy‘s idea and that McCoy had insisted that Spock leave him. Spock would be partially vindicated, but Kirk would still have hard feelings about him.

Of course, the report was useless unless it was believed. And the only way that it could be believed was if McCoy backed it up. But if McCoy didn’t make it, if McCoy was already dead--

Spock did not try to think of that possibility, but he could not ignore it. If he could be certain that McCoy was still living and maybe even thriving, then Spock would feel better about the situation. If he could somehow be there with McCoy so he could be certain. He knew that he told McCoy that he would leave his heart with McCoy, and that had seemed to help both of them at the time. A romantic notion, perhaps, with no place in logic, but Spock had been clutching at straws, desperately needing to give McCoy some reassurance. In a way, it had seemed that he had been needing the reassurance more than McCoy.

There were times even now when he felt that he was with McCoy. He knew that McCoy had supplies to last, and he should be able to minister to his wounds if he was successful in staunching his blood flow. Water might be a problem. Safety, too. Then, above that, there would be the aching loneliness for his own kind and the ever present danger of being on his own in alien, hostile world. If McCoy could get only a moment’s respite to alleviate the loneliness and the fear of the unknown. That’s when Spock felt like he was truly with McCoy. It seemed to soothe both of them. Spock sensed his nearness to McCoy across the galaxy.

If there was just some way of having a stronger link with McCoy, they both would be better settled.

All of these things went through Spock’s mind while he tried to find serenity through his meditations that first evening. That worked about as successfully as getting a good night’s sleep after a hard day did. His head was buzzing by the next morning, but he had resolved to try to talk to Kirk so he could explain. It might not relieve his guilt over McCoy, but it might allow him to relax and function again. By now Kirk should surely want Spock’s companionship. McCoy’s two best friends should be banded together in unity and concern.

But the next morning, Kirk sailed right past Spock’s table and joined the noisy crowd at Scotty’s table. It might be his imagination, but the gaiety from Scotty’s table seemed forced and brassy, like everyone was trying too hard.

If they would just let him explain! He went over again in his mind the salient facts of what had happened, of McCoy’s prospects, of the dangers he faced not only from the environment but of misjudging his situation. If McCoy would only keep a clear head and not lose heart. But what if he had not been able to staunch the blood flow? What if he had developed a life-threatening infection? Who knew what contaminants had been present on that bola or were constantly lurking near McCoy? Even now, he could be in danger. Even now, he could be facing his death. If only Spock could be with him so he would not feel so alone! If only he could reassure him somehow!

“How could you?” a low voice filled with righteous indignation accused him though his raging thoughts.

He glanced at his uneaten food on his tray, then Spock looked up and saw Nyota Uhura glaring down at him. A pale Christine Chapel was standing beside her and trying desperately not to break down. Spock didn’t know which hurt him more: Uhura’s anger or Chapel’s accepting sorrow. When a man stirs another man to retaliate, the men can settle it with their fists. But women. Women hit at the core of a man. He has disappointed not only these women, but the woman who taught him his values, his mother. He feels unworthy. He feels as if he no longer has the right to hold his head upright. Disappointing womenfolk is a nasty business, and Spock felt the heightened emotional states of these two women to the depths of his soul.

“He trusted you,” Uhura growled. “Your friend trusted you, and you let him down.”

“It was a decision made by both of us.”

“And you can honestly live with thinking like that?!” Her pretty face twisted in the lines of a snarl, and for a moment she was disfigured and ugly. “If that’s the kind of friend that you are, I think that I don’t want to know you any longer.”

Spock winced. “Would you treat him the same way?” Spock was so overwhelmed that he could barely get the words out, but he had to know the full truth. He had known rejection all of his life because of his identity. He had to know if he was facing his old enemy that excluded him from the friendship of others. He had to know if he was totally unlovable, or if he could inspire loyalty as much as McCoy did. “If he had been the one to leave me, Nyota, would you cut him from your life, also?”

“With the sharpest knife I could find!” she snapped. “And without a moment’s hesitation!”

He blinked at her passion, but his heart soared with that small crumb of loyalty from her. So she hated what he had done and not him. There was something there in him that was salvageable. Maybe he wasn’t a social pariah, after all. Maybe there was something in him to love. Maybe he was still a part of the Enterprise family, only a despised one at the moment.

“That’s what friends do!” Uhura continued. “They support their friends! Damn it, Spock!” she cussed, angrily wiping tears away. “I was your friend, too! That‘s why this hurts so much!” 

“I am sorry that I disappointed you,“ he mumbled, hoping to receive some sort of acceptance again. At this point, he would settle for anything. “What can I do to vindicate myself?”

“Give us back McCoy,“ she whispered hotly. “And the Spock whom we used to know! My heart is bleeding, Spock! Losing you both is pure hell!“ With that, she turned and hurried from the room. Chapel followed, wiping tears as she went.

Everyone in the mess hall had witnessed the little drama, of course. Spock was very much the center of attention. Most eyes glared at him. A few had the grace to look sheepish. Women had done their fighting for them. But women were the masters of handing out guilt, and Uhura had done a magnificent job. Even the strongest man would have shriveled under that justifiable attack, but an attack still the same.

Two pairs of eyes glaring coldly at him were also outraged. Those two guys worked the same shift on the bridge as Spock did. Just looking at them apparently drew their attention, because Sulu and Chekov stood and walked toward him. The hurt and anger and disbelief went deep in their souls and reflected in their eyes.

Chekov stopped and stared down at Spock who calmly returned the look. Chekov looked like he was about to cry. Then he moved off without saying a word.

Sulu‘s lips were compressed together in a hard line. “How could you dissolution him like that? You know that Pavel looks up to you, almost like a father, don’t you?” he accused.

That surprised Spock. “No, I… I did not know that.”

“Well, he does. Role models don’t disappoint people. That’s why they are role models. It’s bad enough what you did to the rest of the crew, but Pavel….” He shook his head in disbelief.

“I did not do it to disappoint anyone in particular.”

“Just all of us then,” Sulu snipped. “And you have.“ For that gracious gentleman to lower himself to saying something disrespectful like that must have made him feel despicable. And Spock had caused this crisis of spirit for Sulu. It was yet another way in which Spock had failed his crew mates.

“Excuse me,” Spock mumbled as he stood, pushed past Sulu, and carried his uneaten food to the disposal. His stomach felt hungry, but he knew that food would only upset him further. Because at the moment McCoy could be starving or worse….

At the door he met Montgomery Scott whose eyes underwent recognition, then loathing, then scorn.

“How could you leave him?” the generally genial man demanded with flashing eyes. “Dr. McCoy is not just a few fellow crewmate and colleague of yours, he is your friend. But even a casual acquaintance should be treated better than that. A fellow creature of the universe demands the respect and decency that is due him. Life itself cries out for mercy from you and receives none. Is that not right, MISTER Spock?”

Spock thought a lot of Scotty, so he decided that the Scotsman was worthy of an answer. “Mr. Scott, I cannot answer your questions to your satisfaction except to ask you to believe what I have told all of you.“

“That is poor balm at the present moment, Commander.“

“Have you ever been forced to do something that you did not wish to do, but you knew that it was your duty?“

“Of course. Most men are faced with doing that at some time in their lives.“

“Then believe me when I tell you that was my dilemma. I did not wish to leave Dr. McCoy, but I had no choice.“

“We all have a choice, Spock. You chose wrong.“

“I believe not.“

“Then God have mercy on your soul if you ever think otherwise. For you will not be able to live with yourself. Your conscience won’t allow it.“

Scotty was a good man and was still thinking of him, Spock realized. If Scotty hated him outright, then Scotty wouldn’t be all torn up as much as he was. 

Spock tried to give him a partial answer to explain his actions. “Mr. Scott, have you heard the often misquoted line from ‘To Lucasta, Going to the Wars’ by Richard Lovelace that says: ‘I could not thee less, loved I not honor more?’”

“What the hell does that mean?!”

“I did what I had to do, Mr. Scott. And I did not want to do it, but I had no choice. That is my only defense.”

“What you did was indefensible! You left him! Canna you not understand what you‘ve done?!” Scotty roared, anger making his Scottish burr thicker. “Damn your black heart! You have been a good man, in your time. I don’t know what has changed you, but I know that it happens. I still have pity for you, though. Maybe even the pity that you might not have shown him. I still want to believe you, although it is getting increasingly difficult to do so. I hope for your sake that Dr. McCoy is still alive. It will not bode well for you if he isn’t.”

“I suppose I have been tried and convicted in the court of public opinion.”

“Damn straight!” Scotty roared again.

It was one of McCoy’s favorite expressions. Hearing it again, but not from McCoy, was like a broadside to Spock’s midsection. He felt it like it was a physical blow. He could not stop the alarmed intake of air.

Scotty saw a weakness in the Vulcan’s armor, and anger made him daring. He uttered what was on the minds of so many but what had remained unspoken, until now. “Did the poor lad lose one fight too many to the likes of you?! Is that what really happened, and you are covering it up this way? If so, who was there to help him then?! When we do get to go after him, will all we find is a dead body? Or bloodstains and signs of a struggle? Or nothing, as if the good man had never existed at all?”

Spock flinched. He felt that blow deep inside himself, but he didn‘t let Scotty know it. “Excuse me,” he muttered as he stepped into the hallway.

“It seems that all the aliens weren’t on that planet,” Scotty muttered.

Spock cringed, but that was the only reaction he showed. It didn‘t mean that he didn‘t feel it, though.

“All senior staff, report to the bridge,” a speaker over them announced.

Scotty glared at Spock and refused to walk with him, even though they would be headed in the same direction.

 

Spock hoped for the best news possible: that the aliens had been deterred from their invasion and that the Enterprise would be able to retrieve McCoy as soon as possible.

The news for Spock was both good, and bad.

 

“Request to be part of the landing party to rescue Dr. McCoy,” Spock spoke confidently. 

“Request denied,” Kirk answered crisply.

Spock seemed to wilt. “But, but I promised that I would return for him.”

“How do I know that any of what you’ve told me is true?” Kirk spat out. “You were the one in charge. How do I know that you didn’t order him to stay? You say that Bones agreed to this decision, that he was the one who originally thought of it. And all I have is your say on the matter. How do I know that you didn’t leave him on purpose?” He glared at Spock. “How do I know that you weren’t the one to injure him?”

Spock actually winced. “I am most anxious to see him again.”

“We all are. But you’ve lost your right to take part in this rescue.”

“But--”

“No, mister,” Kirk said firmly. “You are staying aboard ship while his friends rescue Dr. McCoy. That has been my promise to him. Only his friends will be there.”

 

And only his friends were.

“Bones!” Kirk slapped McCoy’s arm heartily as he and the landing party found McCoy right where Spock said he would be. Then he grabbed McCoy’s arm to steady him. “Sorry. Guess I was a little jubilant.”

“I’m just a little rocky on my feet. My legs are still tender, and I was weak for awhile from blood loss. But I had plenty to eat and found good water, so I’ve made great progress recovering.” He grinned. “I was getting a little lonely, though. I‘m glad that you‘re finally here.” He looked around at Scotty, Chekov, Sulu, and Uhura who were all smiling at him. “Where’s the Vulcan? I figured he’d be here.”

“He didn’t get to come along. He had to stay on board the Enterprise.”

“Why?” McCoy asked with a laugh. “Was he a naughty boy?”

“He didn’t deserve to come along.“ Kirk got a grim look on his face. “He left you here, Bones.”

“Hell, yes, he left me!” McCoy snapped. “After I practically put my boot in his ass to send him on his way! Damn idiot didn‘t want to leave, stuck to me like a burr caught in my trousers. But his leaving without me was the only thing that made sense!”

Kirk looked stunned, along with the others. “Then it was true? All he said?”

“I don’t know what all he said. I wasn’t there. But I do know that him leaving me was my idea. Didn‘t he tell you that?” 

“Well, yeah,“ Kirk conceded. “But I didn’t really believe him.“

McCoy frowned. “Have you been giving him a bad time because he showed up by himself?”

“Not just me,” Kirk admitted sheepishly as he looked at the guilty faces around him. “The whole crew was pissed off at him. We were defending our lost brother who had been wronged.”

“That was wrong, Jim.” He looked at the others. “I appreciate everyone‘s loyalty. I’m quite honored by it, actually. I love all of you folks, too. But Spock deserved some of that loyalty. He’s your brother, too. You should‘ve given him the benefit of a doubt.”

“Yeah, I’m kinda getting that figured out.” Kirk glanced at the others. “I think we all are.”


	4. I Could Not Love Thee Less

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McCoy returns to the Enterprise to confront Spock about their relationship.

Spock had been trying to meditate, but he had as much success as he been having with that occupation since coming back to the Enterprise without McCoy. In other words, none.

Oh, he had donned his meditation robe and had sat in the lotus position on his meditation mat, alright. He had put a serious look on his face and then waited. But there is something more to meditating than assuming the position and looking serious. For all intents and purposes, he might as well have been trying to hatch an egg. In fact, he might have had better luck with the egg hatching project, for he had a fair amount of internal body heat just going to waste and he was sadly not in the right frame of mind for meditating.

One’s mind must be emptied of all cares and concerns in order to achieve a higher state of being and to allow pure enlightenment to enter the waiting appropriate vessel, a thirsting mind.

But instead of emptying, all sorts of possibilities had been going through his mind and they all centered on Leonard McCoy.

Spock had been strangely restive since his return from the alien planet, and not all of it concerned the shunning attitude of the crew towards him. No, Spock often had found his mind back with the missing doctor. The pull toward McCoy was strong, and Spock longed to be with McCoy in the flesh. McCoy so needed companionship in his lonely vigil, and Spock wanted to offer him companionship. 

But Spock needed more than McCoy’s companionship. Spock wanted the physical body. A loving person with living flesh was at the head of any list that Spock composed to appease that hidden hunger that he was feeling for McCoy. Then he realized that it could not be just anybody with living flesh. It had to be McCoy. Spock boldly put himself at the top of a second list of loving persons intended for McCoy. He felt satisfied being at the head of that list and hoped that the good doctor would be inclined to think likewise. It gave him a great deal of satisfaction that he had placed them at the top of each others list. Now if McCoy would only see the logic of the arrangement. It all made such perfect sense, if one thought about it logically the way that Dr. McCoy should.

Spock had never experienced such a need to be with a certain person before, and he was even wise enough to know what had caused that strange pull. It had started when he looked at McCoy and realized that he had to leave behind that aggravating man who plagued his life so much. What would Spock do if that aggravation in his life was no longer present to pester him? Why he would miss McCoy had stunned him and had not let him loose since. It did not take much logic for Spock to realize why he needed McCoy with him.

Surely, the away team had found McCoy by now. Was he still living? By chance, was he actually thriving in that harsh environment? That was perhaps too much to hope for. Maybe Spock should aim his goals lower, maybe as low as the most basic.

Spock clinched his eyes shut and silently pleaded. Please let McCoy still be living! I need him to be existing somewhere in the universe! If possible, in my universe!

And please, please, let him verify my story. I promise that I will not bait him ever again if you only grant that he lives and that he verifies my story.

Was that so little to ask? 

He knew that he was condemning himself to a state that would gradually kill his soul if they did not have their bickering to stimulate him. Worse yet, he would probably also kill the feeling of closeness that they had first noticed when Spock had to leave McCoy. Spock would like to explore that feeling, but perhaps it was best to forget even that. Spock would trade the bickering for McCoy’s life any day.

But there was something else. If McCoy still lived, Spock had a plan to propose to McCoy. He knew that it was crazy, but it was something that might give his soul some rest. He would know how McCoy was faring from afar, and that would be a great load off his mind.

He had worried about McCoy while they had been separated. There were times, though, that he had felt as if he had actually been back on that planet with McCoy. Spock felt that he had helped McCoy then and had provided him with company. Of course, it could just have been his imagination or a hopeful prayer, but he felt that he had actually helped McCoy with his presence. Maybe McCoy had felt his presence and would be receptive of Spock’s plan.

As anxious as he had been to know of McCoy’s physical condition, he could not bring himself to meet the shuttle or to see McCoy in sickbay. What if McCoy had changed his mind since being left alone? What if McCoy now felt as Jim and the others did about Spock? What if McCoy thought that Spock was not worth knowing?

His door chime provided a welcome distraction from his thoughts. He was not accustomed to anyone visiting him since he came back without McCoy. 

Speaking of McCoy, he sailed in Spock’s door. “Where the hell have you been?!” he demanded as of old. “You were supposed to come back for me!”

Spock awkwardly pulled himself to his feet. “Doctor. I thought that you would stay in sickbay overnight.“

“Why?! I’m okay. Besides, I had to find out how you were. You made yourself damn scarce!“

“I was not expecting you.”

“Really?! I had to find out what was going on with you. The cavalry rode in to rescue me, but you were conspicuously missing.”

Spock lowered his head. “I humbly regret that. I was prevented from keeping my word.”

“I’ve heard all about that!” McCoy snapped. “And I let our friends know just what I thought about it!”

Spock looked up in surprise. “You did?”

“Well, of course, I did! I had to back up your story, didn’t I?! Besides, it wasn’t a story! It was the truth!”

“But you look well,” Spock said with some amazement as he finally took in McCoy’s person. “You must have fared alright during your trials on the planet.”

“Well, it was no vacation on the Riviera, but I got along okay.” He looked at Spock‘s state of undress. “On your way to bed, or what? Maybe I should have called first and made an appointment!”

Spock could not figure out McCoy’s anger. “Have I done something wrong?”

“No, I, I guess I’m so pissed at what you had to go through for my sake. I’m sorry, Spock. I’m real sorry for what happened with the crew.”

“But that was not your fault. You were the one who was left. You had to face dangers alone.”

“But you had your own battles to face here. Safety isn’t always equated through physical dangers. Sometimes it is a crisis of the soul.”

“I face those all of the time, Doctor.”

“I know you do. And I don’t help very much with those, do I? Well, I’m gonna change. I’ll be a real friend to you from now on.”

“But, Doctor. You always have been a real friend to me. What would that type of change entail, anyway?”

“Being nicer to you. Not riding your ass about every little, nitpicking thing. Agreeing without questioning.”

“Doctor. We would both hate that, and you know it.”

“Yeah. I’d miss the bickering, too, I suppose,” he grumbled. McCoy seemed at a loss for words, and even his angst had suddenly evaporated.

Spock did not know what McCoy’s problem was. Then suddenly, he knew. McCoy did not know how to act around him. McCoy had tried bluster when he first come through the door to relieve tension, and that hadn’t felt right. Now McCoy was at a loss. He felt uncomfortable. Their relationship had changed somehow, and he was leery to explore how it had changed. McCoy did not know if he would like the change. Even if it was something good, it would still be change.

Spock reached out. “Are you really alright, Doctor?” he dared to ask.

“I said I was, didn’t I?!” Then McCoy saw something different on Spock’s face, something he had never seen before. Spock actually looked as if he had been hurt by McCoy’s words. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m fine. Just some scrapes and bruises. I pretty well had myself healed up by the time that the rescue party got to me.“ He pursed his lips and frowned. “I shouldn’t have barked at you like that just now. I know that you’ve been upset, having to wait back here, wondering, blaming yourself.”

“How could I not? I left you behind.”

“Spock.” McCoy put his hand out, then let it drop before touching Spock’s arm. “I know how that hurt you to leave me. I would’ve felt the same way if I’d had to leave you. It was the logical thing to do. I was relatively safe. You needed to get back to warn the captain. But still--”

“Yes,” Spock whispered. “But still--”

“It was thinking about you that got me through it, did you know that?”

That perked up Spock. “Really?”

“Really.” McCoy grinned. “I kept having ‘discussions’ with you. Then, when all else failed, I thought about you leading us all with a light bulb screwed in your ass. ‘The Light of the Universe!‘ That always made me laugh.”

“I am glad for that.”

“Yes, it always made me laugh. Right before I cried.”

Spock frowned. “You wept?”

“Like a baby missing his mama. I wouldn’t admit that to just anyone, mind you. But I knew you would understand and accept it for what it’s worth. I figure you know me about as well as any does.“ He grinned. “Despite the bickering, I know that we’re friends. In fact, it’s actually more than that. There’s a special bond between us, you know.”

“Yes, I know, Leonard.”

“We should be acknowledging it.”

“I know that, also.”

“Sometimes I felt that you were with me when I was all alone. You said you’d leave your heart. That was fine and dandy and I appreciated it, but I actually wanted the whole guy. I’d liked to have felt all of you closer to me.”

“There is a way, a way that I have been thinking about since I came back without you.”

McCoy frowned. “Oh?”

“I wanted to feel closer to you, too. There were times I felt like I was actually there. I felt the cold, the fear, the pain plaguing you. All negatives. But when I felt close to you, it seemed that I was taking those negatives from you and giving you comfort.”

“You did,” McCoy agreed softly.

“The way for us to be closer, to have a closer bond together, is to actually bond.” He looked intently at McCoy.

“Oh?” McCoy questioned without comprehension. Then he understood. “Oh!”

“Yes, Leonard, we could become bonded, then we would be able to comfort each other from afar from a mental link.”

McCoy frowned. “From what I’m understanding about bonding, though, doesn’t that involve a little more than comforting each other from afar?”

“Well, yes, I suppose.”

“From the way I get it, we would be as good as married. Physically married. To each other. As in ‘Til death do us part‘ married.”

“Well, yes.” 

Spock was beginning to turn some interesting variations of green and white. McCoy wondered if that happened to Spock during sex, also. If so, McCoy would never get bored. He could enjoy the color show, if nothing else.

McCoy got an odd thrill. He figured that sex with a Vulcan, with THIS Vulcan, would offer more than an interesting color show. 

Then McCoy worried that he would now be treating Spock to a similar color show of facial skin, except in red and white.

McCoy also perversely wondered if he could get more reactions than flushing out of the generally tight-lipped Vulcan. McCoy idly wondered what Spock would be like if he was sexually excited and losing control. It might be worth the price of admission to learn all about that. And to be on the receiving end of that sexual excitement and loss of control!

Mercy! 

He was surely blushing now. Back to the negotiations table with you, Dr. McCoy! Time to get terms defined! And your libido under control!

“Married, mind you, Commander, as in doing our laundry together. Being known as a couple. Never having to worry about getting a date for the dance over the next weekend.“ His voice got more personal. “Married, as in going to bed together and not just to sleep. Exchanging saliva cultures. And, ah, rectal samples.” McCoy’s voice got more intimate as he warmed to his subject. He was verbalizing all sorts of possibilities. And some of them were starting to sound pretty attractive to him. And thrilling. 

McCoy took a step closer to Spock, and his voice got all hushed. Spock didn‘t back away. He seemed mesmerized. “And getting all tangled up in the sheets together. And spending all day in bed. Together. And sleeping in each other‘s arms all night. Together.” He looked Spock up and down. “Always together. Is that what we‘re talking about here?”

“Well, yes, that could be a part of it,” Spock hedged.

“’Could be a part of it’ won’t buy it, Vulcan! I want it all! The marriage ring! The marriage bed! The swapping of all kinds of bodily fluids! Or no bonding! I won‘t have a marriage in name only! If we are to be married, I want the whole marriage! Understand?!”

“You mean you would actually, ah-- With me?”

“Yes, I would actually, ah! With you!”

Shyness came over Spock. “I thought you would never want everything like that, with me.”

“And why in blue blazin’ hell not?! You’re loyal! You’re feisty! You’re determined!” He looked at Spock closer. “You’re damn good looking! You get all my jets to firing at once! Physically, as well as verbally! And I think that if I train you right, you could be one helluva lover!”

The shyness disappeared from Spock, and the smug look came back on his face. He was on familiar ground. If there was one thing he could well, it was to spar verbally with McCoy.

“Do you believe that I need training in the art of lovemaking, Earthling?”

“I not only believe it, I know it! Down on that alien planet, you gave me a look that was hard to ignore. I knew then what you were really feeling for me. And it came like a thunderbolt, I can sure as hell tell you that.” 

“It did?“ Spock asked shyly.

“That’s why I’ve come here to ask you about. We have time to talk about it now. You had your heart in your eyes down there, and I knew that I was looking at the truest love I’d ever know. I knew how it was killing you to leave me, and I wanted to heal that wound as soon as I could.“ His voice grew husky. “Any way that I can.“

“And you believe that this lovemaking would be good between us?“

“Damn straight! I’m betting that you’re a damn love machine! I‘m betting that you could get my motor racing, too! I know I‘m willing to try to get you motivated, too, if we never get any sleep!“ The smile on his face modified the harshness of his words. “I’ve sure as hell fantasized about it enough that way. You‘re probably wilder than an untamed gopher on his first trip to civilization. The quiet ones are always the ones to surprise the hell outa everybody.”

McCoy did not know which was cuter on Spock‘s face: the shyness or the fight to keep from smiling with excitement.

“You have?” Spock asked with sparkling eyes. “Fantasies? About me?”

“About us! Damn it, Vulcan! About us!”

“I would not want it any other way, Leonard.”

McCoy cooled. “So, ah, wanna trade some mouth cultures now? Maybe, ah, try raising the temperature in this room. And in each other?” He winked. “Learning Anatomy by Braille?”

Spock twisted his head in curiosity. “Anatomy by Braille?”

“An old school joke. Like Underwater Basket Weaving and other Mickey Mouse courses on campus.”

“Underwater Basket Weaving? Mickey Mouse courses?” Spock asked, truly puzzled.

McCoy gently laid his arms over Spock’s. “I’ll explain all of that,” McCoy said softly. “Later. We’ll have tons of time for explanations. Later. The rest of our lives, in fact.” 

“I will be most interested to learn of these new topics of information.”

But McCoy had already moved on with his thinking. He gently brushed the back of a thumb across Spock’s cheek. Spock didn’t even flinch. Now, that was a nice reaction. None. Like Spock was already accustomed to having McCoy do that to him.

“There’s so many things I want to explain to you, but for now I want to illustrate what I really think about you,” McCoy murmured huskily.

“I will be most interested to learn of all those many things that you wish to explain to me.”

“Damn straight you will!” His eyes flicked over Spock’s face. “Hell, Vulcan! We’ve wasted so much time!”

“No, we have not, Leonard. Not one moment of our previous time together has been wasted. But in the future, we will plan to use our time together differently.”

“Damn straight we will,” McCoy whispered and leaned forward to share his first kiss with Spock.

Damn if it wasn’t the second trip to civilization for the wild gopher. Who wouldn’t thought that a Vulcan could kiss like that?

Of course, it could’ve been because it was that particular Vulcan and the circumstances.

Wild gophers probably didn’t have interesting physical features hidden within their furry bodies like what McCoy found on Spock, either.


	5. Why Can’t We Just Have A Nice, Quiet Breakfast For Once?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McCoy demands that Jim Kirk and the crew apologize to Spock for the way that they treated him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At last! The impossible situation fic that Esperata suggested!

“Good morning, Leonard,” Spock said warmly.

McCoy felt his face redden just from the sound of that familiar voice above him. The memory of last night’s passion echoed in that simple phrase and thrilled McCoy to his very core. He’d wondered what he would do when he looked at Spock for the first time in public. Well, now he knew. He’d blush all over himself and feel shy and wish that they were back to doing what they had been doing in the wee, small hours. He remembered in a rush what had happened between them last night when they were supposed to be sleeping. Well, they had been in BED, if that counted. 

But now this morning was another thing. What would Spock do? Would there be a familiarity between them? Would Spock indicate in any way what had happened? 

What had so gloriously happened, McCoy amended, in case anyone wanted to know.

McCoy moved his tray, although the action was unnecessary. There was plenty of room at their table. “Sit down,” McCoy grumbled. “Before your breakfast cools.” He supposed that he sounded grouchy. Grouchiness wasn’t his main problem. It was AWARENESS, awareness of a certain green-blooded guy standing so close over him that McCoy could feel heat rolling off him, despite the shower that McCoy could confirm that Spock had taken. That was about the time they had discovered that shower time could be saved if two people bathed at once. Well, to be fair, not all of the time in the shower had been spent bathing.

Spock obeyed and sat opposite McCoy. “I trust that you slept well after your little adventure, Doctor?” Spock asked genially.

“You should know,” McCoy muttered, then was treated to a widespread green flush on the Vulcan face. 

“I know which adventure you meant, Commander. Well, I was talking about the second one. And, yes, I slept great. After I was given the chance.“

Spock got even greener. McCoy knew that he was going to love finding ways to recreate that blossoming tint. It was so becoming on Spock. Who would’ve ever thought that green would indicate a healthy circulatory system?

“Good morning, gentlemen.”

Both glanced up to see Jim Kirk standing there with a tray piled high with calorie-rich foods. Just looking at the mess made McCoy and Spock bilious. But their general state of malaise might stem from lack of sleep and too much physical activity during the nighttime, not the stacks of foodstuffs earmarked for Jim Kirk‘s stomach.

“I wonder if I might be allowed to sit with you gentlemen? That is, if you will have me?” His voice was contrite and apologetic.

McCoy shrugged and glanced at Spock. McCoy hadn’t been the one slighted by Kirk. Jim had to make his own peace with Spock. McCoy wasn’t going to play peacemaker, although that was generally Kirk’s role with McCoy and Spock.

With a nod of his head, Spock indicated the chair next to McCoy for Kirk’s purposes. Kirk dove into it gratefully and assumed that the ice had been broken.

“Are you gentlemen both ready to face this glorious new day?” Kirk inquired as he looked hopefully at Spock.

McCoy grumbled something vague while Spock concentrated on his plate.

The Vulcan wasn’t taking Kirk’s olive branch?!

“Stocking up for the winter? Apparently, it‘s gonna come early and be a hard one.” McCoy asked as he nodded at Kirk’s tray. Okay, McCoy had caved. He knew that Spock would not pick up on Kirk’s overtures.

Kirk threw McCoy a grateful look and said the first thing that popped into his head. Anything to keep the conversation rolling along and avoid silence. “I expect that you would’ve liked having this tray of food where you’ve been, Bones.”

“That tray?!” McCoy hooted. “I was just one guy. And I was there for only a couple of days. I would’ve toted leftovers back. Lots of them!”

“See anything here that you’d like, Spock?” Kirk asked. “I got a variety. You don‘t eat enough to keep a bird alive, so I got some extra. Just for you.”

McCoy could sense how eager Kirk was to make up with his best friend, but the Vulcan was keeping his eyes on his own food. If he was playing hard to get, he was doing an excellent job of it.

Then McCoy decided that Spock wasn’t playing hard to get. He was just being Spock. He was willing to forgive and forget. Surely, he should know that apologizing was a ritual that humans go through for the benefit of all.

McCoy waited for two Mississippis, but nothing was heard or seen from Spock.

“Spock? Jim asked you a question.” Damn it! He’d sworn he wouldn’t interfere, but Kirk looked so sincere and so pathetic in his anxiety. Kirk flashed him another look of gratitude, and McCoy added that word to the list with sincere and pathetic.

“What? Oh, sorry, Captain. You spoke to me?”

Anybody else would’ve been acting catty and pissy. Not Spock.

“I will share all of what’s on my plate with you, except for the humble pie underneath it all. That’s mine alone to eat. And I‘m here to let you watch me eat it.”

That got a reaction out of Spock. He looked confused and McCoy knew why. Spock was unaware of that type of pie as a choice on the Enterprise. Gooseberry, apple, cherry, even his favorite strawberry rhubarb, but no humble pie. It must be something new that the mess hall was trying. Perhaps it had arrived on the last shipment of supplies, and Spock had not been aware of its inclusion. He must try it. But he wondered what type of filling it contained. He had never heard of the humble berries. Maybe it was an exotic type from some far-flung location on Earth, maybe the mysterious East or even Outer Mongolia--

“Spock, get your head out of your ass, or wherever you‘ve got it!” McCoy snapped. “Kirk is apologizing. Let the jerk off the hook.” McCoy glared at Kirk. “Or not. If you do, though, you’ll be a better friend to him than he deserves.”

“I know that he would be, Bones. I have no excuse for my behavior, except I was upset. I thought I’d lost you. If I had, it’d been something that I’d never get over.”

“Thanks, Jim, I feel the same way about you. But the fact remains that you didn’t believe Spock. You didn’t back him up and you didn’t defend him. The crew would’ve taken its cues on how to handle him from you. I think that you fell flat on your face with that. You weren‘t much of a friend to him.”

“You’re right.” Kirk turned to Spock. “I sincerely apologize, Spock. I’ve never felt so bad as when I couldn’t stand the sight of you.”

A grin played around Spock’s lips. “You reacted in a predictable manner, Captain, although your not standing the sight of me was a little extreme.”

“The more I saw that placid face around the Enterprise, the more pissed off I got.“

“And the lonelier I got,“ Spock said wistfully.

Kirk frowned. “You did? You know, I might’ve been more sympathetic to you if you’d shown a little angst or hurt or anxiety or remorse or indecision. Something! Something to let the rest of us know that McCoy’s absence and our treatment of you were bothering you. After all, we don’t like to kick somebody when he’s down. We have our own self-images to preserve. We like to think that we are at least humane. That’s why we get to call ourselves human beings.”

“And that is my fault? Not letting you know how upset and lonely I was?”

“Well, that part of it was; yes. We thought you didn’t care about McCoy, Spock. We thought you left him there to die alone. We thought that you might have even been the one responsible for his injuries.”

Spock had looked down while Kirk was speaking.

Kirk knew he had hurt Spock, and that shocked him. He looked in puzzlement at McCoy.

“He cares about me, Jim. He cares about me a lot. But I suppose that hasn’t always been obvious the way he and I are always bickering. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t care for each other.” He glanced at Spock. “Now.”

“I didn’t know,” Kirk murmured. “It seems that there are a lot of things I didn’t know about.”

“We’ll try to be a little more open and positive about each other.”

“That would help, Bones. In the meanwhile, I hope that you have forgiven me for not believing what you told me, Spock. And I’m sorry that I didn’t support you and help you.”

Spock looked up. “Your behavior is understandable, Captain.”

But McCoy objected. “That’s it?! That’s all you have to say to Jim?! Predictable manner?! Understandable behavior?! That’s all of an apology that you require?! What about the rest of the crew?! Did anybody support you?! Did anybody believe you?!”

“It is over, Leonard. They did not believe me, and now they do. We will forget about it.”

“We will not!” He swept his hand out over the mess hall. “These people were in on it, too! They could’ve treated you better when you were needing a friend.”

Guilty looks passed between the crew members who were the closest to Spock, and it was obvious that a lot of attention was trained on the captain‘s table.

“Leonard, I do not need this type of affirmation.”

“Yes, you do, Spock. And so do they. They need to heal, also. They were upset and frustrated with you, but it was only because they thought you had disappointed them and had taken something away from them. They have to apologize to you, and you have to accept it. Then we can all go on from there. Together.”

“That is all that I would really like, Doctor. I would like to know that I belong again.”

“I want that for you, too. The family has to stay together.” McCoy stood up, moved to Spock’s side, put his hand on Spock’s shoulder, and looked across the room at their crew mates. “I want to thank all of you for being so loyal to me. That gladdens my heart. I am happy to have that support. But not at the expense of this man.” 

He glanced at Spock who was trying to keep a calm face, but a green tint was rising along his cheeks and betraying the embarrassment that he was feeling.

“I’ll tell you something important about this man whom I am so proud to call my friend,” McCoy continued. “This man would drink liquid cement for any one of you and try to shit out fluted porch posts for your use. That’s the kind of guy he is.”

“Leonard,” Spock said softly as a few people stirred in discomfort at McCoy‘s colorful language. Spock was embarrassed by the attention he was receiving. Besides, he did not know if he could fulfill the promise that McCoy was making in his name. Porch posts, fluted, no less, sounded like quite an overwhelming endeavor, especially the way that McCoy had proposed delivery. Spock was also wondering how his colon could shape porch posts with fluting, but perhaps that was a mental exercise for another time. He had seen fluted porch posts. The fluting had a most pleasing symmetry. Work of that exactitude probably required a great deal of skill and concentration. He assumed his posture would be awfully straight until he had managed to rid his digestive tract of that cement, though. And as for sitting down in the meantime, forget it.

But McCoy continued as if not hearing Spock‘s plea. “I know why you doubted his word. I would’ve been worried about me, too, knowing our history. But no more. Oh, you might hear us bickering from time to time.” He glanced at Spock and smiled softly. “Nothing can ever change that, not even good will. But it will not be hateful. I doubt if it ever was, it just sounded that way.” He looked back at the crew. “I suppose that all of you would like an opportunity to say something to Spock. Now’s your chance. Captain Kirk and I will make certain that he stays to hear what everyone has to say.“ He looked at Spock with fondness. “Even if we have to hogtie him.“ Again he looked at the crew. “Clear the air. Start the day fresh and with an eye for the rest of the day. You are all good people, and so is he. Let him know that.” McCoy sat down beside Kirk again.

“Remind me never to run against you in an election,” Kirk mumbled.

McCoy grinned back, suddenly shy from his daring to speak so boldly.

Meanwhile, the rest of the crew muttered among themselves while casting quick glances at Spock.

Finally, Montgomery Scott rose to his feet and approached Spock. “Well, I suppose I should be the first to speak since I ran my mouth the most. And I feel terrible about what I said. Just terrible.“ Then he looked straight at Spock. “But to be fair, Mr. Spock,” Scotty said in frustration, “you have always told us that Vulcans are not subject to human emotions. I guess that we finally believed you about that. Honest, laddie, I would have sympathized with you if I’d known you were suffering. I hope you know that I meant you no harm.”

“You are a good friend for Dr. McCoy,” Spock answered.

“I hope that I will be a good friend for you again, too, laddie.” Scotty squeezed Spock’s shoulder.

What Spock would have given for that sign of sympathy and inclusion only a few short days ago!

Spock hoped that he could say the right thing to comfort Scotty. “You are a friend already, Mr. Scott. I can feel how sorry you are.”

“You are a good lad. Good. Good.“ Scotty clumsily patted Spock’s shoulder, then turned away before his emotions overwhelmed him completely.

Pavel Chekov walked up next. He didn’t say anything, but his eyes were shining with hero worship for Spock again. He smiled widely. Behind him, Hikaru Sulu was smiling at Spock and giving him a nod of approval.

“Spock!” Nyota Uhura threw her arms around him, kissed his cheek, and burst into tears. “I’m so sorry for what I said!”

Spock awkwardly patted Uhura’s back.

“I was so unfair to you!”

“It is understandable, Nyota.”

“Bless you, bless you, for being so understanding, my friend!” She loudly kissed his cheek again.

Then Spock surprised her and himself by giving her back a chaste brotherly kiss on her cheek.

Uhura walked away, loudly blowing her nose.

Christine Chapel said nothing, but gave Spock a wistful smile and trailed her fingertips across his upper arm. He caught her hand and held it for a long moment and gazed into her eyes. Those gestures said it all for both of them. The quiet ones who tried not to expose their fragile hearts were friends again.

Kirk finally had gotten his tongue loosened. “Spock, I’m sorry, too, that I did not realize you were upset about leaving Bones behind.”

“Well, of course he was upset!” McCoy thundered. “He couldn’t sleep or meditate! He lost his appetite and couldn’t eat! How much more proof do you want that he was upset?! I was nowhere close to him and I knew that he was upset.”

“I didn’t know,” Kirk said lamely.

“That’s because he wouldn’t tell you! You gotta dig it out him, kinda like we would have to do with that hardened cement in him after a few days. If he tried to get rid of it the natural way, it’d be the last crap he ever took! It’d be goodbye, asshole! You could use what was left of his ass end for a parking garage!”

“Doctor,” Spock cautioned. “Language.”

“You gotta talk to them in the vernacular, so they can understand.”

“I believe that everyone will be understanding all too well. They may never get the images out of their minds.” Spock knew that it’d take awhile for him. Bathroom time would probably never be an unconscious effort for him again. Somehow, what McCoy had described did not hold all that great appeal to him. He’d be imagining all sorts of vehicles headed for his posterior at top speed hoping for the best location. He might never be able to turn his back on a moving motor vehicle again.

“I don’t want them to forget what they did to you, Vulcan!”

“It is alright.” 

“Well, I’ll defend you if you won’t defend yourself!”

“Jim has apologized and I have accepted it. It is over.”

“But--”

Spock pushed back his chair. He needed a moment away from the emotional doctor and to get his own emotions under control. “I am going for more juice. May I get anything for you, Doctor?” Then he remembered Kirk and included him. “Jim?”

Both men declined, and Spock moved away. Two sets of eyes followed him.

Kirk gave McCoy a sly look. “Just now, I was remembered as an afterthought. I’m thinking that I’m lucky that I was included, at all. I sense a change in your relationship with Spock, Bones,” he hinted to McCoy. 

But McCoy wasn’t confessing everything. Not quite yet. Besides, Kirk was figuring things out pretty well on his own. He’d probably seen that hickey on McCoy’s neck that McCoy couldn’t quite hide with his tunic. No shaver had done that, no matter how hard McCoy would try to bluster his way through an explanation. No, McCoy was going to be close-lipped.

McCoy leaned closer to Kirk and told him this much, though.

“You sense correctly, Captain Kirk. There has been a change in my relationship with Mr. Spock. And it‘s all for the good.”

“About time,” Kirk muttered back with a lazy grin. “The Enterprise could certainly use the peace and quiet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You’ll never look at fluted porch posts the same way again.

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing of Star Trek, its characters, and/or its story lines.


End file.
